Over the past few days I’ve logged into WordPress to write a new post, only to stare at that last quote for a while and walk away. It’s still sinking in, this idea that I could stop seeing myself as someone needing to be fixed, repaired, or re-made into a better person. To befriend myself for who I am feels like a revolutionary concept after so many years of striving to be more educated, more confident, more attractive, more, more, more. And it would mean that I could no longer wriggle away from the aspects of myself that I don’t like and pretend that they could be erased, improved, relinquished. After a lifetime of believing that one should always strive to be a better person, what would happen if I stopped? Would I become a monster? Or would I finally develop relationships based on who I am, not who I wish I could be?
I started meditation because I didn’t know where else to turn – I was profoundly unhappy and ready to try just about anything to find happiness – not even happiness, really, just the cessation of suffering. And that search was based on the assumption that *I* needed to change. Now I’m considering the idea that I could let that go and just accept my emotions, my desires, my strengths, my weaknesses as they are right now. For a non-theist like me, that concept truly feels like a leap of faith.