What would it take for you to accept your life –and be ok with your life– just as it is, right now?

I have to keep asking myself this question these days, just to serve as a reminder that I shouldn’t let myself get caught up in feelings of wrongness or broken-ness when they arise. During a meditation session with a friend the other day, my mind was so unsettled that I was startled by the ending  gong. I actually jumped, like you do when you’re watching a suspenseful film. After two years of meditating through anger, depression, self-loathing, and frustration, I don’t think I’ve ever been so on edge. And this, after one of the longest stretches of happiness and contentment I’ve ever experienced.

Realization: every day of my dog’s life with me, I have felt somehow inadequate or incompetent as her keeper. Every day for YEARS. Was that walk long enough? Too long? Was the weather too hot for her? Too cold? Did I feed her on time? Did I spend enough time with her? Did I ignore her too much while watching tv or working online?

When she’s no longer with me, will my memory of her be tainted by this feeling that I didn’t give her the love, attention and care that she deserved?

I love this dog. I love her dearly. Even if I scheduled the perfect day – the right walk, the perfect play session, the best meal she has ever eaten, and all the affection she can stand – I’m not sure I would be satisfied with my performance. If I re-arranged my day to do nothing but put my dog’s needs before mine, I still think I would find myself wanting.

That is absurd.

I have been lucky enough to meet a number of wonderful, giving and open-hearted people in the past year. I am enjoying the most functional relationships of my life. And, as I get closer to these people, and care for them, I find that I am transferring this feeling of not good enough to my interactions with them.

Remember this post? I’m still fighting it – and I’m afraid that I’m hurting my relationships because of it. You can’t let people in when you’re stuck in a place of broken-ness. And, as a very smart person told me last night, you can’t ever be happy if you’re always in fix-it mode – there will always be a black hole where the connection should be.

Who would I be if I didn’t constantly berate myself for being faulty?

Advertisements